Some part of me thought that we wouldn’t get here. I wouldn’t let myself actually look this far into the future and see this day. This 5 year old girl standing before me, strong and growing and shining with light, I didn’t think I’d see her.
It’s given me new hope, if we can reach 5, which seemed so far away and impossible, then what other amazing things can we do? I’m still cautious, there are still things I won’t say out loud and things that I won’t even allow my brain to think, but today, today I’m letting them soar through me, because today is a day that makes impossible things possible. Maybe this is the worst it will get, maybe the words “heart-lung transplant” will continue to slip further and further into the past, maybe this year she will speak, walk, eat, dance. The hope that I had been missing has returned in leaps and bounds all because of this single day. Today is the day to think all of the thinks that we never dared to before.
This year, her 5th year, will bring such magical experiences for her, some in the works already and some that will come in tiny surprise packages – birthday gifts throughout this year of 5; ones that none of us are expecting but will embrace with joy and maybe a little less caution and hesitancy than before. Our gift to her is the gift of a life that leaves no stone unturned, no experience missed, no opportunity wasted. In these 5 years, that has been the biggest lesson. We’ve experienced heartache and pain, been witness to heart wrenching grief, watched in amazement at hope and love that always shines through, and each of those has cemented that nothing can be left undone. It’s not a bucket list, it’s a life list. It’s not about saying “yes” to everything, but to knowing when to say yes and to jump in even if we’ve forgotten our rain boots at home. Jumping in when you least expect to can bring the most beautiful rainbows, the totally unexpected kind that just shimmer for a moment and then are gone. Our gift is to live life in search of those rainbows, not to look for them, not to seek them out by force, but to allow them to present themselves so we can experience them as the true miracle they are.
We didn’t make it to 500 for 5, at this mornings count we are at 381 donors. This is one of those deciding moments: I could be sad, disappointed that we didn’t reach a goal that meant so much, or I can be thrilled that we’ve reached 381 and just sit and enjoy what that number means and how there’s the potential to keep it growing. A 5th birthday isn’t the time to stop, it’s a time to pause, enjoy the number and keep going. 5 years has made all the difference in the world, both in health and life and family and friends. There were changes and sacrifices, relationships altered, priorities shifted, but all made without regret. Even when we try to look ahead and imagine an outcome the future is blurry and can’t always be made clear by hope. But hope can at least be that light that helps you sleep through the night, knowing that you’re doing the best you can. Getting to 5 years has been it’s own incredible journey, but tomorrow we keep on walking (or bum scooting), tomorrow we hope and dream. Maybe tomorrow we go back to not saying certain things out loud, trying to keep the scary thoughts at bay, but from tomorrow onwards we will always have today. We will always have 5 years. 5 years has been the greatest gift of all.
